Mission Impossible Whopper

Well vegans you did it. You managed to infiltrate Americas fast food joints under the guise of being "health conscience". Beyond Meat, Impossible Meat, whatever company you choose it all ends the same way, terrible! Terrible,terrible food. Burger King has been testing the Impossible Whopper in St Louis for awhile, and then tested it in a couple other markets. Today it launched nationwide. An assault on America and American values. That’s fine. You can have Burger King vegans. You can have Subway with your beyond meat. But don’t you dare come after Ronald McDonald.

To "celebrate" the launch of the new burger, BK teamed up with Door Dash with a special promo. (Mistake 1). For 7 dollars you can get an impossible whopper and a regular whopper delivered, so you can taste them side by side and see if the impossible whopper does the impossible. And that is taste like meat. Well have no fear because I accept all food challenges thrown my way, especially in fast food. So I hopped on Door Dash and placed my order. 40 mins later my 2 burgers were nice and cold and ready to be sampled. (Seriously never order burgers or fries from any food delivery service. It is never hot and fresh by the time you get it. It will be cold and mushy and gross. Everything else is fair game).

As you can tell by the picture the real Whopper is on the left and the Impossible Whopper is on the right. Its very obvious which is meat and which is going to be terrible by just looking at them. Always trust the eyeball test that’s why you got ‘em. There are 3 things you need to do to properly sample each burger. First is just take a big old bite right off the back of each. First the reg than the impossible. Make sure you take a sip of water or some other palate cleanser between bites. Can’t be cross contaminating your shit. Second you need to say out loud, "O yeah that’s right this is Burger King! All you are going to taste on their burgers is lettuce, onion, and a tub of mayo". A whole tub per burger is standard. Then you move on to step 3, or as I like to call it, the actual test. Rip off a piece of the meat patty and then the impossible. Sample each one. That’s how you properly taste test the difference between real meat and the impostors. The results are in. Does the Impossible Whopper taste like real meat?? Drum-roll please......

NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Why would you think it tastes like actual meat. Is that even serious. Of course it doesn’t and wont taste like meat. Its plants. It tastes rubbery and burnt just like you would expect a plant based burger patty from Burger King would taste. However (and this is a big however) it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever had. Is it passable for those who are trying to eat healthier and live healthier life styles? No. Its not. Because in reality its not healthier than the meat version. In fact, looking at the nutritional information on it, it may be worse for you. Couple that in with the fact that nobody who is trying to eat healthy or live a healthier life style is saying to themselves, "you know what I think I’m gonna go to Burger King for lunch". So for you health conscience people out there, this is a hard pass. Is it passable for my arch nemesis vegans out there who are allergic to fun, who want restaurants to adapt to their lifestyles and make them feel included? Also no. They made the shitty life style choice they should suffer the consequences of their actions. They should eat leaves and carrots for the rest of their lives while bragging on social media about how much better they feel. Cause we all know deep down inside they don’t feel better. They hate it. They hate themselves. But they are in too deep. They bragged about being a vegan for too long to too many people and they cant turn back. This is their life now until they die. A slow terrible no fun having death. Just may be a couple of years after I die.

In all seriousness its not terrible when you are eating it with everything on it. But if you refer back to step 2 you will know why. Because you cant really taste it. So I mean its fine. It could be any kind of patty and it wouldn’t matter. My problem with the burger is who the hell is going to eat it. Why would you pick this burger from a place like Burger King. Other than being curious about what it tastes like (Like I was). You wouldn’t. You aren’t eating it to be healthier cause its not healthier and O’yeah its also fucking burger king. You aren’t eating it if you are vegan because you are probably going to eat at actual vegan restaurants with the rest of your tribe and not at Burger King. At the end of the day Burger King gets to pat themselves on the back for changing with the times and becoming inclusive. And that’s what life is all about isn’t it? Good corporate publicity.

The beer I would pair with the Impossible Whopper would be Whiteclaw. Because it too is a fad that will die off soon enough. I give the Impossible Whopper 1.5 beers out of 5

Dwayne Lusby2 Comments