Five Cries

(Not) The Double Grilled Cheeseburger from Five Guys

I am a complete sucker for secret menu items. It all started when I lived in California. I was young, naive, and dumb. All my life I heard about how awesome In-n-Out was. You see it everywhere.
Its everyones favorite fast food burger. But as I was researching I discovered they had a secret menu (which isnt even a secret). Animal Style. Everywhere I read people talk about Animal Style.
Animal Style burger Animal Style fries. You have to order everything Animal Style or you are doing it wrong. Well, I don't want to be wrong and look like an idiot during my first experience at Americas favorite fast food burger joint. So I pull up to the drive thru window with the confidence of a 12 year old boy about to kiss a girl for the first time. I order the following: 4X4 Animal Style with Animal Style fries. None of that is on the menu. I'm pretty nervous at this point. Did I do it right? Do they know what Im talking about. After what seemed like an eternity the magical talky box gave me my price  and told me to pull forward. I never felt more alive. I did it my first secret menu order from a restaurant. And ever since I've been on the hunt to discover Americas secrets. I'm basically Nicholas Cage in the National Treasure movie.

About a week ago I stumbled upon Five Guys' secret menu online. One item in particular caught my eye, the Double Grilled Cheeseburger. The pictures looked awesome. In short, Its a double cheeseburger with both buns being a grilled cheese sandwich. Sounds awesome right? Ive had burgers like this before and even one from a fast food place (Jack in the Box). First things first I know people out there LOVE Five Guys. I always see it listed as some of the best fast food burgers out there. But not me. I hate Five Guys. They are the "Chad" of fast food. Anyone who knows someone named Chad knows exactly what I am talking about. Regardless I am in the food review business and I need to review food from national places to be inclusive to all readers. So I thought, you know what I'm gonna review this secret menu item from Five Guys and its gonna be great! *Ron Howard Arrested Development Voice* It wasn't! 

I walk into my local Five Guys excited to try out this burger. I'm the only person in the restaurant at 5 pm on a Thursday. I go to the counter and I tell the cashier, "This order is going to be a little weird, but let me know if I can do it". They said its fine what can they help me with. The conversation goes as following:

Me: I would like to get the Double Grilled Cheeseburger with bacon, jalapenos, and onions
Cashier: Let me check with my manager see if we can do that
Me: Ok great.
Manager: Yeah we can do that. I know exactly what you want. A patty melt with 2 patties.
Me: No I want each bun to be a grilled cheese sandwich not a patty melt (which is a different secret item)
Manager: Yeah I know what that is. Dont worry we can do it.
Me: Awesome thank you very much

After they ring out my burger and a small fries the order comes out to like 16 dollars and change. Expensive as shit for a fast food place but whatever thats what I want and I know its not on the menu. But regardless of what you order from Five Guys it is going to be expensive. They break 2 of the biggest rules of fast food. 1 Being overpriced and 2 being underwhelming. Thats why I hate coming here. Its never worth the money when I can pay the same amount at an actual restaurant and usually get a better burger. I ask them if they can cook a hot dog, split it, and throw it on top of the burger (worth a shot right). Nope cant do that. Whatever thats cool I'm already pushing my luck at this point. 

They call my number I go back to my seat read to dig in. And I wish I could say I was surprised but I am not at all. I knew it was coming. It was a patty melt. The manager who said he knew exactly what I wanted managed to mess it up. I even told him (as you can see above) that no, I don't want a patty melt. I want both buns to be a full grilled cheese sandwich. I was reassured that he knew. *Again Ron Howard Arrested Development Voice* He didn't! To top it off it is/was my birthday! I guess it is my fault for ordering an off menu item at a restaurant I hate. It's a recipe for disaster. That's what this trip and review was, an absolute disaster. So no, I am not reviewing the Double Grilled Cheeseburger from Five Guys that i wanted to. Instead I am reviewing the Patty Melt from Five Guys. And they are not gonna like it.

I would pair zero, zilch, not a single beer with this item. Would not waste waste the sweet nectar of the gods on this TURD SANDWICH.

The Five Guys Patty Melt gets: 0 beers out of 5. Over priced, not even good, can't get an order right. Fuck you Five Guys. I hope someday soon you become Zero Guys

Dwayne LusbyComment