Secret Invasion

America is at war and you probably don’t even realize it. No, its not our shadow government invading foreign countries going after their precious resources. Its not the CIA overthrowing a vicious dictator. Its worse! Vegans. That’s right its a war against Vegans. Vegans are the real life Skrull army invading our country and taking it over. Mom and Pop burger restaurants, ice cream shops, and pizza parlors all across this beautiful country are shuttering their doors. In their place are "fast casual restaurants" that only sell avocado based meals. Or salad restaurants. Yes that’s right, there is actually restaurants out there that only sell salads. And people actually go to them. Not only that, but they are one of the fastest growing restaurants in the country. This Secret Invasion is impossible for the good guys to win. Much like the Skrulls, Vegans walk among-st us undetected. They look like us, talk like us, laugh like us, nearly undetectable to the naked eye. But Bernie, how can I tell who the enemy is if I can’t even tell them apart from normal, sane people? Well don’t worry citizen, you don’t have to tell them apart. They will let you know they are vegan. The barefoot guy with a man bun standing next to the grill at a BBQ, trying to convince someone who doesn’t care that cauliflower wings are just as good as chicken wings. Hey asshole, cauliflower anything is not good. It has no flavor. By definition it is impossible to be good if it tastes like nothing. Cauliflower wings, pizza, burgers, mashed potatoes do not taste better than the actual food. Stop it! You are embarrassing yourself. It’s a lie you tell yourself so you can come to terms with the fact that you are wasting your life eating shitty food because you think you will live longer. When in reality, you will probably be hit by a bus or something stupid. We, as a country, need to take a stand against tyranny. No more salad restaurants, no more soy tacos, when will enough be enough?? I would much rather die ten years earlier actually enjoying food and eating what I want, then spend those last 10 years listening to my vegan grand-kid talk to me about avocado toast.

There is a couple restaurants out there in America that are fighting this war. They don’t give a shit what the trend is. They don’t care if their food is unhealthy. Taco Bell being one. But this isn’t a Taco Bell review. No this is better. This is my personal Holy Grail of fast food burger joints. I'm of course talking about Whataburger. That’s right. Whataburger is THE best fast food burger restaurant. While west coasts In ‘n Out is fighting east coast Shake Shack over which is better, the gulf coast Whataburger is laughing because they know they already won. Not only are the burgers great, but they offer a HUGE menu of diverse items. Chicken, burritos, taquitos, cinnamon rolls, etc. And their menu is fully customizable. The options are unlimited. You can literally put anything between 2 buns. My personal favorite is the Triple Meat Triple Cheeseburger. So I flew my ass down deep in the heart of Texas to review the holy grail. Its a pilgrimage I like to make once a year. On to the review!

Few things in life are perfect. I can think of like 3. Whataburger triple meat triple cheeseburgers, this blog, and Kevin Pearson. That’s it! The burger is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Its a triple cheeseburger with 3 slices of cheese. But its not ordinary burger. This thing is massive. The bag feels like it weighs as much as a new born baby. I don’t customize it because I do not mess with perfection, but you could add bacon, jalapenos, whatever your heart desires. I stick to the mustard, lettuce, onion, tomato that comes with it. The meat itself is cooked perfectly every time. Unlike Five Guys who serves you burnt hockey pucks, Whataburger has perfected the craft. The 3 slices of cheese make the whole thing creamy. And the lettuce, onion, tomato combo give it a nice little crunch to finish out the flavor profile. It’s AMAZING! I ca not put into words how great a burger this is. I mean I can since you are reading me literally put into words how great it is, but that doesn’t sound as dramatic. The ONLY thing that is not great about Whataburger is their fries. Their fries suck so bad. Like some of the worst fast food fries around. But hey that’s OK. I'm usually full from the burger alone and only eat a handful of fries anyway. So I can look past that. Whataburger is a must have on any trip to Texas. A MUST! You have no choice but to go. Disclaimer: I am fully aware that the picture I took of it is really bad. My fault. I rushed the picture because I was so excited to eat it.

The beer I would pair with the Triple Meat Triple Cheeseburger is Zeigenbock. Brewed in Texas, for Texas. I give Whataburgers Trip Meat Trip Cheese 5 beers out of 5

Dwayne LusbyComment